Remember cuddles in the kitchen?

I just immediately know that I'll be doing a crap entry on my blog when I click Post an Entry and I don't have anything definite in mind. It's a sign that I really have nothing to say, and just selfishly in need of typing out absolutely...anything. It's a compulsion I always have to act on, I just always have to be typing, spouting off words! That's just me being irrelevant and redundant. I'm not a good blogger, yes?

These days, I've been so deprived of sleep, thanks to thesis proposal. Make no mistake about it, I'm excited about doing thesis, but I just want to shoot it: grab the camera, plunk it down a Manfrotto tripod, set up some lights, then shoot! *tear* I hate having to type out the treatment, rationale, review of related literature...blah blah! And I have also realized, I haven't studied anything in ages. I mean, I've been working my ass off squeezing all the creative juices that I could out of my brain (thanks to trying to come up with a feasible short feature film to shoot with Kim by next term for next year's Cinemalaya thesis! Feeling keri ang Cinemalaya. FEELING.) But actual studying - none. And let me just say: creative endeavors stop being so creative and thrilling when it's all that you have to focus on, when your grades rely on it and you try to feign it every night, thinking up scenes and concepts that will probably just end up on the metaphorical cutting room floor. When it stops being fulfilling and personal, when it merely becomes a requirement to aid an ever ailing GPA...what's the point? 

What's the point, dear laptop? What's the point! I'm with you every night, with zillions of Word documents open, trying to create something new. This should excite me, but now I'm so drained!

Case in point: (Total spoiler for our short film thesis, by the way. But who cares. Wala naman nagbabasa nitong blog na to.)
A scene from Pintikunon

Given, Kim's the one who has to come up with that, the sequence treatment, but still. I'll be doing the shooting script soon so...I'm not that excited. Maybe I just need a little break then I'll be in the mood to go for gold again. I kind of believe in this project naman eh. I just... I JUST LACK SLEEP. That's all it is! Utang na loob, let me sleep!!! NOTHING JUSTIFIES NOT HAVING ANY SLEEP, to a person who dearly loves sleep as I do. It's a precious commodity and need! And in the state I'm in, it's definitely a bad thing. I know I have to take care of myself more... I am trying. But the motivation comes from that feeling of just needing to push through with it because even if it depresses me now, I know it's the right thing to do. I need to have it push through, to be healthy for this...but I don't want it. I'll burn in hell for saying that, I know. And yes I'm being cryptic but that's only because I want to communicate the distress I've been feeling for awhile without publicizing to the whole world what I'm griping about. I JUST CAN'T.

But you know, I'm certainly trying my best here. Even if my life is changing before my very eyes. Must not be depressed about it. (Even though I feel bad for canceling on the Bora trip with college buddies, for Trish's birthday, supposedly this term break. I love you Trish.) I just can't seem to get myself into to the mood. Not to mention, I'll just be a big fat hormonal burden. I guess the island of sin will always be there anyway, we can go sa summer. Right? (I FEEL SOOOOO GUILTY IT'S FUCKING POINTLESS TO JUSTIFY ANYTHING. Moohoo.)

So there. Mainly I've been having an ass of a time just trying to be calm. Everything is changing, and in the middle of all that flux, I coincidentally have to be busy too with the culmination (supposedly) of everything I've learned in college. Oh, the pressure.

I guess the little things will have to do for the moment. He told me bagay daw sakin 'Mardy Bum' , an Arctic Monkeys song on being paranoid and masungit because I was being so paranoid and masungit. It's a sweet one though. "Can't bear it when you make that face."

And can I just say. I've had a crush on Alex Turner for years. That voice is just....SEX. Reminiscent of Morrissey, only, younger, more my generation. I love how pronounces 'cuddles' as 'coodles'. It's that accent, so saucy. Rarr.

:-) 
Here's to not fucking sleeping again.
(And oh, look for The Smiley That Blinked. Bad screencap timing?)