untied

"If a wall suddenly appears before my eyes I'll finally realize that I've been running while looking to the side. That's why it's perfectly fine if it's this painful."

- Caption from a photo essay by Kato Shigeaki, which could be found here.

Somehow, that got to me. It sounds so much like me, so much like what I would say, in a phrasing that appeals to the writer in me- it is simple and vital. And perhaps with a pinch of the smartly saccharine, if there's such a thing.

Why does it strike such a chord in me? It reeks of personal accountability, something that I do not take lightly. I do not know if it is doing me worlds of good, or rather it’s simply just damning me. I like being alone. I like the time that I get for myself- to think, to feel, or to do absolutely nothing. I resent feeling like I have to fight to be alone-sometimes, when you need the company of yourself the most, it is the time you realize just how many people surround you- I hate that. For me, it’s important to feel and see where I stand, and to understand clearly what my place is in this world. You could say that I’m in a perpetual quest for my bearings, like a lost seafarer deprived of the stars. And to do that, I have to be alone.

In the same vein of thought, I’ve always wanted all my triumphs to be my own doing, my failures to be all blamed on me. My closest friends probably know that. I wouldn’t exactly call myself a martyr, I just like being in control of what happens in my life. Like if I become a drug addict or something (just off the top of my unimaginative head), I would be the least depressed if I could blame my condition on no one but myself.

“This happened because of me.”

Whatever jubilant or tragic moments arise in my life, I would be peaceful if I could say that. It sounds lonely, yes. But I would be accountable. One day, I will suddenly run into a wall, it will be painful, but less so because I know its all my fault for looking at the wrong things.

No, I’m not having a somber New Year. Nor did I have a somber holiday break. On the contrary, it was one of the best that I can remember. I love waking up to a busy house, knowing that a day filled with delicious food and my lovely family and friends await me. The road trips with the girls and the alcohol overload have left some great memories too, needless to say. 

I guess what I’m trying to say is that this year, I want to see my desire as less of wanting to be alone, and more on wanting to be decisive about things. Because there exists a difference between the two. I also want to trust a little more. I want to revel in the details of the every day, perhaps take my camera with me everyday; and try to articulate the balance between my thoughts and what the lens sees.  My manual SLR is gathering dust, which is a pity. Maybe I'll buy myself a twin reflex camera (or a Polaroid, to be more realistic) and finally go out and shoot. I've been using my digital SLR just for events, and that's all I ever take pictures of recently. Which is sad. I have yet to fill up my bedroom wall with the thought-provoking and random photos I envisioned would fill it up; there are only a scant few. Maybe this year I'll take over more space? Hopefully.

I still want to see myself clearly, without losing touch. I want to stop giving myself so much credit for my successes and the ways I’ve messed up and will mess up my life- because people are involved too. I can't continue dismissing exactly how big a pull they exert in my life and the self that I am. Maybe I do like to be alone, but it does not mean that I want to get deeper and deeper into this... Essentially, I do like people. If my family and friends are a taste of what people could be like, then maybe I wouldn't be so absorbed about being in control over every detail.

Maybe I could let them write some parts of my story for me.
I might be surprised to find out what kind of detours await me.

With that said, here's to a New Year. And here's to my dorky self getting inspired to write (after quite a long  period of writing about absolutely nothing) of all things by a quote from a Johnny's boybander. But I don't feel so dorky: brains, sex, dorkiness, and a way with words - all things that encapsulate Shige. I LOVE YOU!!! And your brain and your essays and your ass-shaking, dammit. I'm so head over heels about the fact that a Jpop star can write so well, to the point that I do not mind being inspired by his words and his photographs to be able to write like this again.

I don't know exactly what this kind of writing is, but it's certainly a departure from what I've been writing this 2008 (or not writing, for that matter.) I miss writing. So it's always a good feeling to know that I've written something from the gut.

Anyway. I think I shall go be alone and muse over my alone-ness a little bit more.....................................
I kid you~~~~
Happy New Year.