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I let you stay, and you paid no rent
Jun. 3rd, 2010 01:30 amEvery little reminder of you makes my stomach sink. It comes like a strong punch that I never saw coming, and leaves me winded for quite a while after. The songs are the worst of it. Your preferences are so stamped to my mind that every time a song that’s so “you” plays, I don’t have any other option but to let go and just feel my heart tighten, much as a dripping wet cloth futilely being wrung to dryness. Somehow, moments that I spent with you have songs that accompany it. Every shade of your personality is reflected by the music you love. Also, films. The songs are the worst, but films are pretty bad too. The things you directed: full-on celluloid assaults of everything I loved about you. There’s just too much of you to handle, because you controlled every little detail, so everything I see and hear is consequently all you, the filmmaker. Your film bucket list, which you gave me a copy of, also quite sucks. Every time I watch one from the list, I just can’t help but know it's you.
My problem with this is that we happen to love the same things. Will the things I love continue to incessantly remind of you? Why should the things I find beautiful in life come associated with thoughts of you? I understand that this is the main reason why you and I got along so well in the first place. But now, if I try removing you from my thoughts, I also give up parts of myself. I’ll bear with you for awhile, let my stomach sink, get used to the crashing down… I just don’t know when it will stop. It will stop, right? You don’t own a monopoly on the things I love, you shouldn’t. You shouldn't. Because they’re also my songs and my films, my books, my life. How do I unentangle myself from you? From me?
I've been trying to suppress this sentiment as much as I can, mind you, but tonight it just all spilled out. Burst out. If I'm a Coca-Cola bottle, my emotions equate to the fizz lamely spilling out on the side because you shook me up too much. Next time, if you please, handle bottles with utmost care. It's not a trivial thing, fizz. Nope.
My problem with this is that we happen to love the same things. Will the things I love continue to incessantly remind of you? Why should the things I find beautiful in life come associated with thoughts of you? I understand that this is the main reason why you and I got along so well in the first place. But now, if I try removing you from my thoughts, I also give up parts of myself. I’ll bear with you for awhile, let my stomach sink, get used to the crashing down… I just don’t know when it will stop. It will stop, right? You don’t own a monopoly on the things I love, you shouldn’t. You shouldn't. Because they’re also my songs and my films, my books, my life. How do I unentangle myself from you? From me?
I've been trying to suppress this sentiment as much as I can, mind you, but tonight it just all spilled out. Burst out. If I'm a Coca-Cola bottle, my emotions equate to the fizz lamely spilling out on the side because you shook me up too much. Next time, if you please, handle bottles with utmost care. It's not a trivial thing, fizz. Nope.