ambivalent much?

I saw him last Thursday in Cinemalaya after the longest while. It felt like an eternity after the situation we were in the last time we saw each other. I was waiting for Kim because we wanted to watch Mangatyanan, and she was running late. I was milling around the CCP lobby alone, when a voice, from my back, said, "Hey you." I waited for five seconds before I turned around, because I knew exactly who that voice belonged to, and I was trying to muster up the courage to face him, in all his tangible presence, while within me a storm raged: I hated him, I wanted him, I was angry yet I wanted to be mollified, to be comforted. I took a deep breath then I faced him. "Hey." Then before I could protest, react, before I could fully take him in in his Lego shirt/ jeans/ scraggly haired glory, he hugged me. And it lasted a second longer than a casual hug (if real hugs could be considered casual) should take.

WHAT THE FUCK kept flashing in my brain, just like those electronic text marquees, comprised of many orange dots. I should've said it out loud. But instead I drank the coffee he offered and made small chit-chat. Repression at its worst, eh?