1981 (or Waving at You as We Part at Light Speed Will Look Like I'm Standing Still)

Today, I really wasn't expecting anything, I wasn't really intent on making a big deal out of my birthday since I've been preoccupied with a lot of other things. And let's face it, the fanfare of birthdays lessens every year we grow older; birthdays become just another yearly thing. We'd celebrate it by having drinks with our friends, or yeah, maybe a party. But it's not as special like it was when we were young, or during milestone birthdays like the 18th for a girl here in the Philippines, or 21st for a guy, etc. It's just... a birthday. So tonight, (well, technically yesterday) I was just Tweeting and reading up on some MSMEDIA stuff that we had for homework. Again, technically, it wasn't my birthday yet since it wasn't 12 yet. Then suddenly, he texts out of nowhere. I jumped a little out of my seat.

"I'm here outside your place."

When I stepped out of the gate, I was so overwhelmed, seeing him. I was so...surprised! I felt happy, but I couldn't speak...because after everything we've gone through the past two or three weeks, it was still hard to see him. It was hard to even have him standing right in front of me. But I felt happy he came. Then he hugged me for a little while. He then turned to his car door, and struggled with something I couldn't see. When he faced back at me, he held out a little cake with a single lit candle on it. He was looking at me as he said happy birthday. I blew the little candles right there, by his car, in the middle of the (fortunately) empty road. He kissed my forehead. "Wait." He began to rummage inside his car again.
 

He drew out two balloons.  Grabbing my wrist, he gently ties the string of the white balloon to it. The balloon towers over my head. I looked at him in wonder, with the balloon bumping on my head when the wind picked up a little bit. "Well, when was the last time you did that right? I bet you were still little pa the last time," he said. I laughed and passed it off as silly nonsense. (But okay, I found it cute.) Then he led me to the trunk of his car, which was opened. I plopped down on the edge of the trunk, with my feet dangling in the air, as he held on to the other balloon, and I held on to the cake. Then he tied the other balloon to the antenna of his car. It flopped around clumsily in the breeze, like a floating beacon, and we were watching it silently.

"Party?" I asked.

He chuckled. "It looks cute naman ah. Just for the atmosphere."

Then we sat on the trunk, with the cover popped up. I was eating the icing. Then we just began to talk. I wouldn't say there were any resolutions, any apologies, any explanations, from both our parts. There's just that acceptance that where we are now is perfectly fine. Even if it where we are is on top of an emotional quagmire, just sinking and sinking... My heart sunk a little whenever I stole glances at him because I'm unconsciously reminded of what we allowed to happen a couple of weeks ago. Everything is still quite fresh, all the dark and bleak moments of that time. But somehow, I was also calmed by his presence. Nothing I can explain clearly right now, in any case.

"Keep on eating your cake."

I laugh. "Uh, okay." He turns inside his trunk and fishes out his guitar, which I've seen him play before. He started strumming a little bit, tuning the strings and all. I was watching his every movement, suddenly realizing that I missed him. "This is for you," he said, looking up once. With the starting notes, I knew what he was going to sing.

All of the hidden instruments from before i was born keep sending
Miles of discreet transmission to shake me back and forth
And oh the part in my hair like rambo before he ran off
And traded his love for a life of being cold

Oh one day, the few pictures taken will spoil
And for all those that come later my face and the past will all be brown

But between you and me
I'll be singing through my teeth
And smiling as i go

And the words may all be wrong
But i'll still sing every song
My last breaths will lay low

Whispering how much i love you seems like far off coastal lights
And all the jealous one's i could gather wouldn't stretch these tall sails tight
But oh, this nursery for lost jealous sons
Sings in a low and continuous refrain of joy i'll never know
Than just like the shape and tremble from throats as before
The promise that's past but the anticipation of seven thousand mornings

But between you and me
I'll be singing through my teeth
And smiling as i go

And the words may all be wrong
But i will still sing every song
My last breaths will lay low

On that last day when i dissipate all the angels will rejoice
Pressing their wings together to sing in heaven's perfect voice
And role imagined and real and unknown
The song like the pulse an electron chain from the center of the sun
The rim and the role of the space that the massive once hold
All one day will wear out and collapse and eventually explode

But between you and me
I'll be singing through my teeth
And smiling as i go

And the words may all be wrong
But i will still sing every song
My last breath will lay low

Before he even ended I found myself crying. I'm not the crying type, but he really got to me. His voice was folksy and raw, his guitar-playing a bit rough. And it's a happy sad song. Sometimes, he doesn't even realize the effect he has on me. I can't understand how he knows the nuances of my emotions, even if they're so selfish and defensive in nature... But there. I just found myself crying and crying because this was a gift more beautiful than I've ever received before.

Even if it's temporal. Just like the two of us?

I don't know. But right now, I feel light and calm. We talked a little bit more after that and ate the cake. When he walked me to the gate, he hugged me for quite a long while. Into my ears he said, "Be happy." And I never appreciated how amazing he really truly was, not before that moment. It just struck me dumb, really. I hugged him tighter and said, "We will be happy."

I don't know. I don't know what anything means. But today, on my 21st birthday, I realized something important. And that's the best gift I could ever get. It was a wonderful night, in a sad, serene sort of way.